


Heart on his Sleeve

by Aviss



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: First Time, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Finn, Oblivious Poe, Pining, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-11 12:27:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5626645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aviss/pseuds/Aviss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>"You wear your heart on your sleeve, Finn," Jess Pava tells him one day after weapon training. "You need a better poker face."</i> </p><p>  <i>"That's fine. I will tell what I think if they ask." Snap and Pava exchange a look that speaks volumes, and Finn is very tempted to tell them they are not exactly opaque themselves. "I wore a mask most of my life. It is refreshing to be allowed to express whatever I want without fear of reconditioning." </i></p><p> </p><p>Finn learns how to interact with people, how to fit in the resistance, and that maybe he is not as transparent as he might have believed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heart on his Sleeve

**Author's Note:**

> I am absolutely in love with these two. And I love this movie so much for getting me writing again. This is unbetaed, apologies for any mistakes.

Life in the resistance after the Starkiller, and the mourning period for the Republic and the people they lost, is not that much different from life in the First Order. Finn doesn't know what he was expecting, maybe chaos and perversion and laziness, and all the other things that were burned in his brain during indoctrination, but that is not what he finds.

The resistance is as well organised as the First Order, and there are tasks for everyone to complete; there are always ships to repair, and reconnaissance missions to run, and planets to protect from the First Order. And between missions, when the immediate threats have been dealt with, they train and run drills and, on occasion, give classes for people to learn new skills.

That is not to say both are one and the same, they are not. The resistance doesn't punish people to make an example of them, they value people's ideas instead of enforcing mindless obedience, and they encourage individuality. That is something that still boggles Finn's mind; for someone who didn't even have a name before Poe gave him one, who was supposed to be interchangeable cannon fodder, the fact that he is now a person and treated as such, is more than he would have hoped, if he had known how to hope.

It takes some getting used to; Finn didn't have time to think about anything when he first arrived at D'Qar, what with trying not to die, and to destroy the Starkiller. And then the long and painful recovery from a wound that would, had he still been with the First Order, been enough to qualify him for a merciful death. But now he is here, if not completely healed at least functional enough to help. He is part of the resistance by choice, with all its consequences, and he has friends for the first time in his life.

This is also something he had had to learn since joining the resistance. Being a Stormtrooper doesn't encourage friendship anymore than it encourages individuality, and he is at a loss when it comes to interacting with people.

The first person who ever saw him as an individual was the one who gave him a name, and even with his limited understanding of relationships Finn knows that his attachment to Poe is unusually strong for the little time they have known each other. Maybe it is not normal to grieve for someone you have known for mere minutes, or to be so overjoyed to find they are still alive, but he feels that way, and since there is nobody to police his emotions anymore, he doesn't see the point in restraining them.

Rey is different. Rey is no better with human interaction than Finn is, and they bonded in the way of two drowning people clinging to the same flotsam. She is hope, and family, and love all rolled into one. And even in her absence, he knows she feels the same about him.

He is learning how to be with other people, to smile and acknowledge the praise of some of the pilots, and to keep calm when faced with the distrust of others. He knows when to laugh at a joke, and how to recognise when one is made. It is a painstaking process, this learning how to be a person instead of an spendable cog in a machine, but he is doing well.

"You wear your heart on your sleeve, Finn," Jess Pava tells him one day after weapon training. "You need a better poker face."

Finn had been frowning at a conversation two trainees were having, discussing about the best way to kill a Stormtrooper when Finn had overheard them, and he had been unable to hide his displeasure. It might be that Finn was no longer with the First Order but he didn't like killing, and he knew most Stormtroopers were like him, kids taken from their houses and brainwashed since they were old enough to stand. They had no more say in it than Finn did, and they were not lucky enough to snap out of it in time. He'd fight and kill them when necessary, but it didn't mean he enjoyed it.

"She's right," Snap adds, joining the conversation. "Everyone can tell what you're thinking."

Finn shrugs, unconcerned. He can't find the problem with that. "That's fine. I will tell what I think if they ask." Snap and Pava exchange a look that speaks volumes, and Finn is very tempted to tell them they are not exactly opaque themselves. "I wore a mask most of my life," is what he finally settles for. "It is refreshing to be allowed to express whatever I want without fear of reconditioning."

And that is the end of that.

…

 

Like having a name, having things is something Finn had never considered before but finds out he likes very much. He is assigned a private room the moment he is released from medical, even when most people on base share living spaces.

"You're a hero," Poe tells him the first time he visits Finn's rooms. He has been out of medical a whole of a day, and for someone who grew up in barracks full of people having his own space, never mind that is nothing more than a glorified closet with a tiny bunk and a set of drawers, is the epitome of luxury. "You get the hero treatment."

Poe brings with him some clothes requisitioned from the quartermaster, toiletries, and other basic things Finn hadn't thought about. He left the First Order with nothing but the clothes on his back, and with the exception of Poe's jacket and the robe they put on him in medical, they are his only possession. These clothes are a mishmash of new and old in varying colours and styles, and Finn already loves them because they are his, and he's never had anything that was only his before, and Poe is the one who noticed and did this for him.

He also loves Poe, and this is just one of the many reasons for it.

Finn takes them off his hands and meticulously folds every piece and puts them in the drawers. "You must have your own house then, mister-best-pilot-in-the-resistance," he teases, and loves seeing the way Poe flushes with honest pleasure, eyes bright and wide smile.

"I have a double room, smartass," Poe admits after a minute of comfortable silence. "but I don't have a roommate."

Finn wants to ask about that, but he knows better. They suffered quite a few loses during the attack on the Starkiller, victorious as they were in the end they paid a price in lives. It might be that Poe is on his own by choice or privilege, but it might also be as a result of loss, and Finn is not about to trod carelessly on it.

"I would have offered," Poe says, softly, once Finn has finished arranging everything and has nothing to do but sit next to him on the bed, their shoulders touching. "I think you would be a great roommate, but I bet you have had enough of sharing everything." Poe had listened when Finn, still confined to the bed in medical, had spoken about life in the First Order and the lack of privacy. It had been one of the highlights of his day then, Poe's visits and the long hours they spent just talking when he was at the base. He hopes they can keep having them, even if he is no longer confined to a bed. "You deserve your own space, and to have the choice to share if you want later. My door will always be open to you."

And that is so _Poe_ , Finn is tempted to just lean down and kiss him silly.

It is alarming how often he has to fight that impulse nowadays.

…

 

There are always missions; just because the First Order took a hit doesn't mean they are defeated.

Finn has gotten used to the absences of his friends while they fly to wherever they are needed. He stays on the base working on his physiotherapy, helping however he can with the planning and learning how to shoot and hopefully, with time, how to fly. During those periods he keeps mostly to himself, doing his job and spending time with the General. He is still in awe of her; General Leia Organa was a figure of evil, larger than life, when he was with the First Order. Even the mentions of her name were fearful whispers, the real threat of rousing Kylo Ren's temper one any trooper with a sense of self preservation took seriously.

The real General is just a woman, though, one who has seen and lived more horrors than any one person should be subjected to. She is grieving her husband, and for some reason seems to enjoy Finn's company.

"I like your honesty," she says one night after a mission planning session. They are almost alone in the mess, the late hour and the early start of the mission meaning most pilots are resting. "People treat me as if I am made of glass, and any mention of Han is going to shatter me."

Finn can see why, there is a frailness in her since that day that wasn't there before, but he can also see that is not going to stop her fighting. It's not even going to slow her down. Once the fight is done and the war won she might break, but not before.

And when the time comes he hopes there are enough of her friends left alive to help her.

"You are too strong for that, General," he says. "We still have a war to win."

"Leia," she adds with the shadow of a smile. "I think you have earned to call me by my name when it's just the two of us."

Finn smiles and blushes a bit, aware of the kind of honour she has just bestowed on him. "I didn't do anything, it was all Rey, and Han Solo, and Poe leading your pilots," he admits, because it is something that has been on his mind since he awoke, the fact that Han Solo was there to help him under false pretences, and he might still be alive if he had not gone with Finn. "The only thing I did was lie to get to Rey, and in the end she didn't need rescuing."

"You did more than enough, we would all be dead if you had not rescued Poe from the Finalizer," she says, and there is a knowing look in her eyes when she mentions Poe, whatever expression Finn has on his face easy enough to read. "And later if you had not been here to show us how to destroy the Starkiller."

Poe has told him the same thing the couple of times the conversation has come up, and so have Snap and Pava. It is still difficult for him to believe in their words, to see himself as a hero on pair with the living legends surrounding him.

"Don't sell yourself short, Finn," she continues when he opens his mouth to protest, and he has no doubt his objections were plainly written on his face. "You did what was necessary, and you will do it again. I am not the only one who believes this. And now, you will get some rest, tomorrow I want you in the control room with me running this mission."

He does the only thing he can on the face of that order. He obeys.

…

 

The worst part is the wait.

Finn doesn't mind much being the one left behind in the base while the rest of his friends are away on a mission; he knows the time for him to join them will come soon, once he has completed the physical therapy the doctor insists he needs before he can be cleared for active duty. It is novel enough, the idea that his life is important and not just to be thrown away in combat, that he tackles the grueling exercises without complaining.

In the meantime he trains with all type of guns, not just the trooper's blasters, and learns about the X-wings and their maintenance, and helps with the planning of future missions, giving as much detail as he knows, or can remember, on the functioning of the First Order bases. Is not that much, he was just part of a sanitation crew, but it is more than they had before and, as the General says, they never know which tiny detail will be the one that turns the tables in their favour this time.

He fills his days with as many things as he can do, this way he doesn't have to think about Rey, somewhere far away in the Galaxy training to become a legend like her Master, Luke Skywalker. He doesn't have to think about Poe, somewhere in the Outer Rim chasing the rumours of Kylo Ren and a new base being built on pair with the Starkiller.

He is in the middle of maintenance of a ship when they get notice of an X-wing approaching, and Finn can't help the frisson of excitement at the chance that it might be Poe coming back, safe and sound, from his mission. There is excited chatter around him, as it always is when one of the pilots return, the resistance always eager to greet one of their own when they come back alive, whatever level of success the mission had.

Finn recognises the X-wing the moment it enters the hangar, and his grin widens fit to split his face. There are butterflies in his stomach as he pushes his way to the front of the group awaiting for Poe to climb down the ship, and their fluttering only becomes wilder once he can actually see his friend, uniform dusty but clearly not injured in any way. Poe removes his helmet as he descends from the ship, his dark hair a mess, and his eyes scan the room until they find Finn. He smiles, his grin as bright as Finn's, dimples appearing on his cheeks.

There is no shame when Finn rushes to embrace him, his arms tight around his friend, heart pounding wildly in his chest.

He doesn't know what he will do the day Poe fails to return, and it's something he hopes he will never find out.

"Welcome back, Poe," he says, slowly releasing his grip and taking a step back. He can look at Poe's face this way, and see the way his eyes light up and his smile widens even more, Finn will not consider it a bad exchange for the loss of contact.

"It's good to be back, buddy," Poe says, and his voice is a warm as his body. He moves to the left of Finn, slipping his arm over his shoulders and pressing their sides together while they walk away from the ship, BB8 rolling behind them and chirping happily, and this is good, this is even better because Finn can turn his head and see Poe's face and yet they are still touching. This is almost perfect. "Did you miss me?"

It is said teasingly, and the arch of Poe's eyebrow and the spark in his eyes just confirm it, and yet Finn can do nothing but answer honestly and with all seriousness.

"Always, Poe," he says. It is the truth, he misses Poe and Rey like a lost limb when they are not around, and Pava and Snap and some of their other friends on a smaller measure, he is not going to lie about it, especially not when it makes Poe's smile go soft that way, his grip to tighten on him. "I always miss you when you are gone, and can't wait to see you again."

Poe stops them in the middle of one of the corridors and looks at him considering, his eyes searching. Whatever it is he finds, he seems to like it. He presses his forehead to Finn's for a heartbeat, and Finn feels hot where they touch.

"I will always come back for you, buddy," Poe finally says, and it feels like a promise.

Finn hopes it is one Poe gets to keep.

…

 

Finn is still smiling when he arrives at the mess. Poe is already sitting with Snap, Jess, and some other pilots, and he waves the instant he sees Finn enter.

He goes happily, almost skipping, and grabs a tray of food on the way without even checking what it is. He is always the happiest when they receive communications from Rey, and today has been extra special. Rey has done more than send a message, they have spoken for a few minutes. Finn feels his chest about to burst with bliss; he's seen Rey and was able to talk to her, to ascertain for himself that she is well, and content with her new life, and still thinks of him.

"You look happy, buddy," Poe says with a wide smile, as if Finn's happiness was contagious.

"I just spoke to Rey!" He exclaims, grinning so hard his cheeks are beginning to hurt, not that he cares. "She's fine, and she thinks she will be able to visit in a couple months."

That had been the best part of the conversation, the news that she was coming back, if only for a short visit, and bringing her master with her. The General had been on the verge of tears while she talked to her brother, something like joy touching her features for the first time since her husband's death.

"That's great, Finn!" Poe says, his expression open and affectionate and honestly happy for him. That is one of the reasons Finn loves him so much, the genuine caring for others not even a war has been able to destroy. He feels the urge to kiss Poe again, and pushes it down with an ease made of lots of practice. "I know you miss her."

"You have no idea!" He takes the seat in front of Poe, digging into his food with gusto. "I have so many things to tell her. I have to show her how much I have learned!"

When Rey left Finn was still unconscious, and he knows she was worried about him, maybe worried that he would want to run again. He has put her fears to rest during their chat, told her as much as he could about his new friends and what he does now in the base. Maybe he has spoken about Poe more than anything else, and Rey's smile at that had been knowing and indulgent.

"Maybe you can impress your girl with your flying skills," Snap says between bites of food, his eyes sparkling with mischief. "If you manage to get any!"

Finn laughs. "She's the greatest pilot I have ever seen, with the exception of Poe." He shots a smile at Poe, who is wolfing down his food but still looks up and returns a closed mouthed one. "Wait a minute, what do you mean my girl? What are you talking about?"

Snap and Pava fix him with the same incredulous look. "Rey? You are always going on and on about her and how great she is. We know you're in love with her, you don't have to pretend in front of us," Pava says as if she was talking to a small child.

"Rey is not my girl," he laughs, the very notion ridiculous to him. She is nobody's girl.

Poe looks up from his food with a frown. "No? But you love her, and she loves you too," he seems to be confused, as if the idea of Rey and Finn not being together has never occurred to him.

Finn looks around and sees the same confusion, with some pity thrown in the mix, mirrored on most of the people around the table.

"I love Rey, of course I do." That is one of the facts of life, because there can be no other way once you know Rey; you have to love her. "She's great, and she's my best friend, but I am not in love with her. I am in love with you."

He should have waited until Poe had finished drinking to say that one. For a whole minute the only sound in the mess is Poe choking and coughing, and Snap hitting his back to try to help him past the fit.

Once he gets some air back Poe looks at him with wounded eyes. "What?"

"I thought you knew, everyone's always telling me I am really transparent, and I have not been subtle about it," he admits. In hindsight he shouldn't have dropped that kind of declaration in the middle of the mess, surrounded by half the base. "You didn't know."

Poe shakes his head mutely, and Finn feels something like dread finally making itself known in the knots of his stomach. He looks around and sees the same stunned expression on Jess and Snap's face. How could they not know? For Finn is one of the simplest things; he was a Stormtrooper who didn't want to kill, then Poe Dameron happened to be his get out card and his lucky charm, his first friend and the person who cares about him unreservedly. Of course he was going to fall in love with Poe, even when he never expected, or needed, for Poe to love him back.

Just to be allowed to love someone is a vast improvement from his previous life.

"I--" he begins, and for the first time since waking up in D'Qar he doesn't know what to say.

Poe stands up, his chair clattering on the floor with the suddenness of the movement. "I think we should continue this conversation in private, buddy."

He doesn't wait for Finn to agree before he moves to the door, and really there is nothing for Finn to do but stand up and trail after him. He hopes Poe is not upset about this; he has always believed Poe knew about his feelings and didn't reciprocate, but didn't mind them either. And apparently Poe, and everyone else on the base, has been under the impression that he was in love with Rey all the time.

And these are the people who keep telling him he wears his heart on his sleeve.

"I thought you knew," Finn says as they walk towards the living quarters, one of the few places on the base where people can have some privacy, if they are lucky enough to have their own room. "It doesn't have to change anything, you know. I have been in love with you since the beginning and I didn't think you would feel the same, you don't have to feel the same, so it doesn't have mean anything that you know it now." He is babbling, nervous about the rigid line of Poe's back in front of him and the silence between them. They reach Poe's room, and he opens the door without looking at Finn and slips inside. Finn follows him hesitatingly, "Poe, I--"

He doesn't get to say anything else, he doesn't even get to finish that thought. The instant the door is closed Finn finds his back pressed against it and Poe's mouth hungrily devouring him. It takes him less than a second to react, returning the kiss with the same hunger, arms coming up to surround Poe and crush him against his body, close enough to feel every single twitch and breath and groan reverberating on his chest. This is perfect, the best thing he has ever known, Poe's mouth hot and eager against his, their bodies aligned together, and when Poe's mouth moves to his jaw, trailing biting kisses as he groans and pants, Finn wonders whether this is just a dream.

"You had to do it in public," Poe mutters against his skin, his hands moving up and down on Finn's sides and chest, "I have wanted to do this for so long, but I thought you loved Rey. I am blind, but so are you. Did you really think I didn't love you? I have also loved you since the beginning, and we are both blind fools." He goes back to kissing him before Finn can say anything, not that his brain is functioning enough for speech. This time the kiss is less urgent, gentler, but not less arousing for that. Finn can get lost just on those kisses.

They do nothing for a while except kiss, Finn's back against the door and Poe's body pressed against his front, their breathing turning faster and more laboured, their bodies moving against each other in increments, and they should move from there, the door is not the most comfortable against his back and the bed is just a few steps away, but it could have been in another galaxy, way too far if they have to part for just one second, they have wasted enough time as it is. It is quick and dirty, their bodies pressing together harder and rubbing faster, their kisses becoming frantic and desperate until they are little more than open mouthed panting against each other, hands gripping hard enough to bruise.

It is perfect, and when Finn comes down from it, his panting breaths evening out, he sees Poe looking at him with the softest expression he has ever seen, full of wonder. That look is a mirror of the one Poe gave him when they found each other again, after they believed the other to be dead in that crash in Jakku.  

And yes, they have been blind both of them. But they know now, and they have this.

It is a close to perfect as life gets in the middle of war.

...

**Author's Note:**

> I'm in [tumblr](http://aviss.tumblr.com/)


End file.
